The Triple Goddess in my life- Virgin Mary/Lady of Guadalupe/The Mother

*This is part two of the series of the Triple Goddess in my life as Maiden, Mother and Crone. This aspect is of the Mother. I describe Her in one of Her many aspects as Mother that I have experienced. The Virgin Mary, Lady of Guadalupe, Blessed Mother are all names of the Mother Goddess and Her many faces.

How I have struggled with the Mother aspect of the Goddess. For many reasons, this has been the most difficult for me to come to terms with. My Mom passed away on October 19, 2012. My relationship with the Goddess, ever special to me, has reflected the complicated relationship my own family has had with the Blessed Mother in their own lives.

My mom was the youngest of 7 children of Italian immigrants with strong devotion to the Church. She married the first fellow she was permitted to date, who turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. Despite the many bruises seen by priest and family, she stayed with him because divorce was a sin back in the 50’s. However, she was made of stronger stuff. She did divorce him and subsequently was cast out of the Church. In my home, we were raised as lapsed Catholics and never went to church as a family. We had been baptized and occasionally, my mom’s sister would take us with her to church for Palm Sunday or Christmas, but other than that, we had no ties to the church. Mom tried to go back in the 70’s when the ‘rules’ had changed, but people in local churches still sneered and so, feeling rejected, Mom simply refused to beg for the love of the Church-not for herself or her children. Mom was angry with God the Father for allowing this to happen, but she still believed in Him. But around our home, in little inconspicuous places, were images of the Virgin Mary. It was in the Blessed Mother, that my Mom brought her pain and sought comfort.

My Dad –the youngest of 6 children- after leaving the farm in Puerto Rico as a young teen, was also not very strong on religious practices but very big on faith. His own mother died when he was a boy and it still is a loss he carries with him. He was a VERY wild child in his younger days, but kept his counsel and confessions for St. Jude-Patron Saint of Lost Causes. In his young adulthood, Dad found the Church (and it’s followers) much less forgiving than they preached and he rejected them after they continued to judge him. However, as with my Mom, it was the images of the Virgin Mary around the house that let me know that he, too, sought Her out for comfort. It was also a very powerful message for me from both of my parents: You do not need to go to Church. Comfort, guidance, and love will come from calling on the Blessed Mother…and She will not reject you, no matter who you are, or where you are.

Now, as I grew up, it was not a quiet household. My mom was still raw from years of abuse. My dad was also still quite a drinker and it took decades for them to work out all their pain. Many years they fought with each other…their arguments were loud, intense and my younger brother and I were trapped in the middle of it. But after each argument, the house quieted down, and they turned in quiet contemplation to Her. As the years went by, the arguments grew less frequent. There was forgiveness, compassion, companionship and a great deal of love. My mom would collect rosaries…and Dad continued to find little images of the Blessed Mother that he would bring home.

During these years, I was an adult, finding my way in the world. All I could see was the faults in the Blessed Mother…in ANY mother, and I did not find solace in Her. My Mom was fierce, smart, strong, independent, and had a power and intensity about her that drove me nuts! She had a wicked sense of humor and people were drawn to her because she accepted everyone as they were. It pissed me off that I never felt ‘good enough’ for her, but she seemed to accept as everyone else without question. As a child, my mom was hard on me as she pushed me to succeed, was not overly affectionate and did not praise me for my accomplishments. When I became engaged (to a recovering alcoholic), I thought in conforming to society that I would finally fit in and be accepted. Clinging to control and my fierce determination not to rely on anyone for help, I trusted no one with my pain. Our relationship was cold, painful, and I reluctantly turned to Al-Anon for help in understanding what I was doing wrong at every turn that led to my misery. In one of those meetings, the subject of ‘God as we understand Him’ came up. I had an epiphany. The ‘God’ of my understanding was a WOMAN. She was ready to hear me, comfort me, guide me whenever I was ready to accept Her. At that moment, I felt the Goddess in full awareness and clarity as the weight of my cloak of pain came away from my shoulders. It was not a moment that drove me back to the arms of a church (that institution I bear no respect or love for). In that little room of ordinary, flawed people who came to learn how to change those addicted to alcohol, I came away changed forever.

I went home that night and sat in the dark in my living room. Goddess granted me the clarity of hindsight that had long eluded me. In a trance, I saw the pain of my mother and father…their lives…their imperfections…their humanity. She pushed back veils of pain and sadness and I remembered the love, affection, and sacrifice made by my parents for me. I finally saw them in myself…the strength, love, compassion they instilled in me. And at last-I remembered Magick…the light of the moon, the energy of flowing water, the hum of sap running in trees, whispers in the wind, particles of life and energy surrounding all living things and so much more. The doors that had been shut in my mind and heart suddenly opened. I felt the world around me come back to life…long dormant feelings…things I had always known but did not speak of to anyone returned to me. What a homecoming gift...

Goddess as Mother is always near. Like a favorite sweater that I know will warm and comfort me when days are cold…all I have to do is reach out and She is there. Goddess as Mother will make Herself known at those moments when I cannot see a way out. In many ways, She has brought the color and fullness of my senses back.  For example, years ago in the dead of winter, I drove to work feeling stressed, lonely and trapped in a dead end job and life. As I got out of my car, alone in the cold morning air, I was assailed by the scent of roses. I stopped, thanked the Goddess for the reminder that she was still with me and asked for her guidance. Less than a year later, I moved to a new place and within a year I had changed jobs. Did She do it for me? No. She reminded me that the Blessed Mother is always ready to comfort and guide me, but the actions and choices for my life are still my own.

It has been three months now since my own Mom has passed away. This is a painful time for me and my family. I miss her every day….but I did not hesitate to turn to the Blessed Mother for my comfort. When I feel I cannot express my pain or it’s too much for others who are also mourning the loss of my Mom, I turn to the Goddess. The Mother Goddess gives us Life, lessons, love and support. She does not demand obedience or sacrifice. She is the ultimate mom…there when you need Her…happy when you are happy…giving love and happy for your love in return. In Her I give thanks…and share my joy of life, as well as my sorrows. Goddess has blessed me with strength, humor, intelligence, magickal senses beyond others…so I may also help others. I honor Her for what She has given to me. May you come to know Her as well, in whatever aspect you come to know Her.  Blessed Be…

This is one of the statues of the Blessed Mother my  Mom and Dad got shortly before  Mom passed away. It's beautiful, and reminds me of my Mom's bright and vibrant spirit.