Bad Pagan

*UPDATE*

I wrote this blog back in 2014. I certainly have had quite a bit happen in my life since then (more on that in another post.) It was a couple of years after my parents passed, before my life-changing move to California, before the recent pandemic, and before my husband's crippling disability took hold. The one thing I can certainly say without hesitation is the my spiritual beliefs and practices have kept me sane, balanced and happy through it all. BUT....I've never had a practice that I mirror from anyone else. My mantra has ever been, "Your Path, Your Way" and ever it will be.

So-to get back to the writing I so desperately need in these days and times, I bring back this post as my update. It tells you a LOT about me and my perspective on life. 

Welcome new friends....Welcome back old friends....Welcome all!! (Lina-9/4/2023)

I am a Bad Pagan. Well, at least I am according to the standards set by many in the Pagan community. Long ago I left group practice and chose the life of a solitary witch due to numerous issues. The dynamics of group practice can be fraught with tension, power plays, attention seekers, etc and I just got tired of all of it. At least if I stuck to walking my own spiritual path my own way, then the only one I would have to hear from would be the Goddess. I have been happy, albeit at times a bit lonely without any other witches to play with once in a while…

Enter the internet and a brand new way to join ‘group’ ritual and worship, without actually having any in-person contact with any people. I’ve met tons of kindred spirits who love the forces of nature, worship and celebrate special days from days of old, Honor Gods, Goddess and our Ancestors, and they believe in Magick! Woot! It’s like being invited to a really great party with the cool kids!

Unfortunately, even on the internet, the group dynamics come into play and I struggle with the personalities that are part of my little internet circle. I sit in stunned amazement at how often I disagree with someone who proclaims their opinion as being truly inspired from a ‘spiritual’, ‘Pagan’, or other dirt-worshipping path and at that moment I realize-I still don’t fit in. I live a life of contradictions and there are many who probably are better practicing Pagans than I am.  I also am aware of it, accepting of it, and still not likely to change what I do, how I do/ don’t do it and why. I am a Witch with an attitude. Let me give you a few examples of where I’ve clearly gone wrong-somewhere…

1-I don’t worship every Sabbat/Esbat/Full Moon/New Moon, etc- Yeah, I’ve skipped a few….quite a few actually. Some by accident (Holy shit! How the heck did I miss Lughnasad…AGAIN??) and some by choice (Ostara? Gods, no- I just don’t have the fucking energy to do anything for Ostara this year after working another 16 hour day). So, the world keeps turning whether or not I even remember to acknowledge the high holy days, but still…Bad.

2-I don’t worship ALL nature. Tis true…many critters of the world freak me right the hell out and I want nothing to do with them. I understand that spiders are messengers, snakes carry wisdom, and even the opossum has some lessons for us. but However, if the Goddess sends me a message with a frikkin SPIDER….well, geez….does She know me at all?? I hate those things….creepy, crawly, slimy, slithering insects and reptiles absolutely make my skin crawl! Come close to me with some of those things when I’m not ready to get close to them and you may get a punch in the face and I can’t promise what their condition will be if they get too close either.  So, yeah…..Bad.

3-I don’t ‘grow’ anything. My best friend knows that I have a saying, ‘If there is anything green in my refrigerator, it turned that way.’ I don’t grow vegetables and I don’t really eat them much either!  I don’t have plants, because they die despite my best efforts as an educated woman as to how to keep them alive. The longest that plants that lasted with me were some palm plants given to me by my friend Frank that lasted all of a year. I also don’t have plants or try to grow anything because…..I don’t WANT to. I don’t like playing in the dirt, digging stuff up, putting seeds down, etc. I have the greatest respect for those who do it, enjoy it and are successful at not having a plant leap off a shelf to commit suicide (true-but long story…). I am not one of those people. I will not give up an entire day to rake, dig, sow, water, or plant anything. Let’s hear it….Bad.

4-I don’t 100% subscribe to ‘Harm None’, ‘Love and Light’, or many other Pagan philosophies. There is a certain amount of ‘peace in the valley’ that I want to have, but, I’m also more a Fighter than a Lover at times. The squeakier and squishier people act, the more uncomfortable they make me. I believe in the strength and energy that comes with passion and I love my friends and family passionately. I’ve also found that many people who lean toward the lighter side aren’t always able to handle the more unpleasant aspects of life. My spiritual path is grounded in the real grit I see in the world before me. My spiritual philosophies are based on facing the energies of storms, fires, explosions and other events that don’t always seem chipper, positive, or happy. I get pissed off on a regular basis, I question ANY kind of authority, I don’t always accept that someone’s motivations are pure, and I don’t believe that most people are good at heart. I think most people are incredibly flawed and have to work very hard to be ‘good’.  I consider myself a realist but for a Pagan…..Bad.

5-I don’t like everyone who is a Pagan. As a matter of fact, many of them piss me off. I don’t like people who like to lecture others on how they fail in their life, practice, ritual, etc. because it’s not the way other Pagans do things. I DESPISE those who shame you for questioning things or for having opinions that don’t match up with a common Pagan philosophy. I can’t stand the self-proclaimed gurus, the glory hounds, and those who make more of an effort to build a fan club than to better themselves. At least I know that I have so much to learn, it’s amazing that anyone gives me credit for the little I do know! Like any other people in the world, I have difficulty dealing with the ignorant, the arrogant, the emotionally needy, attention seekers, holier-than-thou, and more….who ALSO happen to be Pagan. Score me…Bad.

6-I don’t have a ritual altar and I don’t cast a lot of spells. Oh boy…am I even allowed to call myself a Witch if I don’t cast spells? I can, and I have and may again, but I don’t generally use spells as a main way to problem solve. As a matter of fact, it’s usually my last resort to cast a spell as a ritual act, rather than a first choice. My magickal acts tend to be my every day rituals. Nothing super sexy about them that would get me a spot on the latest round of reality television. I also have a very small apartment and I’m stuck for space! So there is no special table, pentacle, massive candles, cauldron, all sorts of offerings, incense, wand, athame, etc….. What kind of Pagan doesn’t have an altar? Survey says….a Bad Pagan.

Let’s face it….I’m just a Bad Pagan. In my spiritual practice there are a great many who are more diligent in their studies, their rituals and their practices than I... They use the tools, follow the choreography, chant the words, beat the drums and raise the Cones of Power. There are many who read the cards, throw the bones, scry in the mirrors, charge the crystals and use the boards to connect with the spirits and the ancestors and gain their wisdom. There are many more who light the candles, prepare the feasts; make all manners of crafts, herbs and potions for many a magickal purpose. I do some of those things, but not all….and I don’t do all of them well. So, I am a Bad Pagan….

Often where I differ with people is not in my spiritual practices but in political and personal philosophies. There are those who use their Paganism as a means to encourage some and shame others into thinking and behaving in a certain manner. (Sound like any other religious group you know of?) I believe in the Accountability of One.....me.  My beliefs, my mistakes, my opinions, my feelings, my actions, my goals, my consequences, my lessons….all mine, my way…always.  Light and Dark; Protective and Fearful; Independent and Cooperative; Intuitive and Unsure; Nurturing and Rowdy; Intelligent and Ignorant; Tolerant and Intolerant; Peaceful and Physical; Powerful and Reticent; Eager and Lazy; Assertive and Aggressive; Positive and Negative; all me and not me….I am a Witch that exists in a world of contradictions. I fit no one else’s mold. I can’t…Goddess made me THIS way.  

I can’t fit into anyone else’s idea of what a Pagan is because there has never been another like me. The day I accepted that, I felt truly happy. To many, I am a Bad Pagan. To others….I am just me. I offer what I can in order to help others in the world help themselves. If nothing else, I hope that just by being myself, I can offer someone else the hope that even if they are a ‘Bad Pagan’….in their very own way and however they choose to walk that path…they are still a very Good Pagan. 

And you know what? So am I.....(original post-5/16/2014)