Childfree friendships

My husband and I are in our 50's and are Childfree by choice. It's always been a bit of a challenge to find other Childfree couples like ourselves. While we can find others online, finding people to be friends and socialize with in real life is becoming more of a struggle.  My hubby helped raise his ex's daughter for a time, but never considered having his own otherwise. He may not fit what normally would be the strongest definition of Childfree. However, we have two cats and are happily committed to not having or raising a human child in our home. But prior to my hubby and I getting together, I was already well versed in losing friends who had babies. They swore having a baby would never change our friendship, but it always did.

Back in my early 20s, it was common for a friend to have a baby and immediately start hounding me to have one, too. That led to a parting of the ways and I'm not entirely sure that some of them even noticed I was gone. That's okay...but when I was younger, the only other Childfree people I came in contact with were often single people who hadn't found their prospective life-partner to settle down and breed with. I wanted a partner, but not kids, so there was always that exit door in the back on our friendships that I always ended up using once my friends settled into their idea of married life and eventually announced their pregnancy.

Now, I'm middle-aged and happily Childfree, and I find that the folks around the same age as my hubby and myself all seem to be Childfree...but they really are not Childfree. Let me clarify the types of people we meet and why they say they are, but are NOT Childfree:

• Single people who claim to be happily free but are secretly obsessed with trying to find that perfect partner to marry and have a family. (Temporarily being Childfree when desiring a child does not make you Childfree by Choice. It means you want kids and are committed to having them or raising them eventually.)
• Part-time parents who share custody of their kids with an ex for a few days during the week and alternating holiday and vacation time. (Once you have a child and actively parent, there is no changing your status. If your kid goes to the hospital and it isn't your weekend to have them, they are still YOUR kid. Period.)
• Empty Nester's with newly adult children living on their own. (Your life may seem freer, but you are a parent for LIFE, not just till they move out.)
• Parents of adult children who are still living with or being supported by mom and dad. (For many reasons, this is a necessity, I know. Still not Childfree just cause they are grown).
• Parents of adult children who have children of their own (Sorry, Grandma/Grandpa...you know as well as I do that you live for those grandkids...even if you do get to send them back home).

The problem with trying to hang out with any of the above is that sooner or later.....let me say that again, SOONER or LATER....the subject of conversation always, Always, ALWAYS reverts to their kids or grand-kids! Every fucking time! Now, I have some lovely people I'm friends with who have kids....but it's a delicate dance to maintain a friendship when that particular subject comes up so often. I don't want to be rude and hurt my friends and they shouldn't have to censor themselves just for me. Friendships like this require work....a lot....

It's also difficult trying to be polite and not look like the office bitch when this happens at work around lunchtime. I get to sit at the table and look bored when they discuss the latest barfing episode of their tykes. Or listening to them talk about their kids ruining their house, shoes, clothes, cars, borrowing money, problems with their girlfriends/boyfriends or inlaws, being lazy, the expenses for raising them, etc. I have nothing positive to contribute to that conversation! My other choice is that I politely remove myself from the table, looking like I don't want to be friendly or take any interest in the lives of my co-workers (thereby creating a rift that affects the work relationship). Again, it's a delicate dance to do around those who have kids. Which is why we really would like to meet more folks like us who are Childfree by Choice.

Sometimes, I am really glad my husband and I like each other's company so much. It makes these times easier, because we genuinely enjoy spending time together. We'd love to have other friends to pal around with, but we always have each other. And while it is comforting to be able to share our feelings with folks online....it would be even lovelier to sit and have some coffee at Starbuck's with a friend who can talk about themselves for awhile without mentioning their children even once in a 10 minute conversation...

When I become friendly with another adult, I want to take an interest in them. Thoughts, feelings, job, vacations, hobbies, strengths, weaknesses, etc.....I want to know the whole person. This is easier with Childfree people because they have such a strong commitment to themselves, their interests, and their own happiness. The difficulty with becoming friends with kids is that for a period of time in their lives, their focus and commitment was shifted to a child that had no way to survive without them. Once that child achieves independence, most of those parents are extremely out of touch and out of practice with themselves. They have forgotten or neglected their likes, wants and needs for so long...their primary subject of conversation becomes what they are most familiar with: their children. Being Childfree, I have no interest in their children...and if that's all they have to offer to an adult relationship/friendship, then we can't be friends.

It's tough to connect with anyone these days in any circumstance. Technology, while it has made communicating more available, has also eliminated the intimacy of real human contact. As my hubby and I get older, we find we look for more of our kind and the internet has helped us locate more people in our area that we have things in common with. But being Childfree is often still a dealbreaker. Because if the only thing you want is to tell me about your kids, then you want an audience or sounding board.  I want to have a conversation with a friend.