I've Got the Body of a Goddess

 

When I say I’m ‘fat’…I mean it. It’s not just some ridiculous, self-indulgent, passive, attention-whore way to get validation from someone next to me so they will be moved to tell me that I’m not. (Worse than that is when someone who clearly weighs about 100 pounds tells me how fat THEY are.) What’s grinding my gears today is about the way that plus-sized women show themselves and feel about themselves. I struggle with this all the time. While my hubby met me at my current size and loves every curve I own, the rest of society does not share that feeling. It’s a struggle to feel good about myself while living and working in a world that just thrives on telling you how to feel, eat, think, live and look.  Combine this with a life as a middle-aged woman and all that it entails and I’ve definitely got my work cut out for me!

Since I entered puberty, I have had large breasts. Seriously….I was a 32B when I was about 11 years old. We speak nowadays about girls maturing physically at younger ages but I was definitely an early bloomer. One rule of life and society is a constant: Large breasts are always socially acceptable. It is because of my ‘Girls’ that I was noticed and welcomed by men and women in any social circle before I could even utter a word. Some attention was unwelcomed, but that was something I easily dealt with. However, for the most part, I never had an issue with the Girls at any time in my life. The rest of my body has always been more of a challenge.

Venus of Willendorf-I've got the body of a Goddess!

As I entered my late 20’s and early 30’s and truly began my plus-size life, I noticed the variations on where and how I was accepted. Certain cultures absolutely LOVED me as a plus-size woman. They heartily rejected the look that many of my friends strove for: model thin, pouty lips framed by sunken cheeks, and bones protruding from waistbands. If they didn’t see meat on a woman, there was little else about her that was appetizing or trustworthy. But then there were other places I went to where I was treated less like a Goddess on earth and more like a walking plague. At most of my jobs, while no one could question my knowledge and effectiveness, many felt they could question my lifestyle, fashion, health and general worth as a person. And they did…because, after all, FAT is a four-letter word to some and they did not want to get near it in case it was contagious. The older I got, the worse it would get.  I’m no Stephen Hawking, but it’s a good thing I am fairly intelligent because if my ability to get a decent paying job depended just on my looks, there are many who would insure that I’d be dirt poor because of the extra rolls on my body.

I’m a 46 year old woman living in a youth-obsessed society that also fears fat. I went the route many have to fit into the world. I’ve been on diets of all kinds, borderline insane exercise routines, tried dangerous or ineffective gadgets to hide the unsightly bumps and emphasize the girls (as I said, they are good forever and always, no matter what). I even went to a quack of a diet doctor who, unbeknownst to me at the time, was giving his patients amphetamines out of his office for weight loss without a prescription. All of this so people in the world would like me better… The older I got, the more ridiculous this became. In my 30’s I decided that if trying to lose weight took all the time an effort of a full time job, I wasn’t living my life to my true potential and was missing out on the things that truly made me happy. My motto changed to “A Little Bit Healthier Can Be a Little Bit Happier” instead of ‘Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels”. I modified my life a bit…became interested in being more active instead of exercising more. I tried hard to incorporate more nutritious foods into my diet, though admittedly I still have an aversion to green foods….ugh! But, it works for me. I’m a little bit healthier and a little bit happier.

While I absolutely love the ability to have the world at my fingertips via the internet, it’s always noticing the ‘trends’ that drive me berserk. So while I know the world is still obsessed with big boobs…it’s the emphasis on the big butts that has me stymied. More so because the desire to have a tremendous ‘badonkadonk’ comes with the desire to have a board flat belly! What? You want a balloon sized ass but six-pack abs? Why? If you want to take pride and emphasize your tremendous tatas and your derriere, what is wrong with the belly that usually goes with it? It seems today, if you have large boobs and big butt, you’re fabulous. If you also have a big belly, you’re FAT! Who made that rule and where are they so I can smack them upside their tiny little head?! 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...I know which I prefer!

And now, as the metabolism slows down in my middle years, I’m still supposed to want to look like I did in my 20’s? Hell to the NO! I didn’t even really know who I was or like myself all that much in my 20’s. One of the best things about getting older has been the lessening of the need to have society’s approval. Even now, I still face all sorts of judgments in the workplace and the rest of the world about my appearance for being Fat, for letting my hair go gray, for having tattoos… This isn’t High School anymore and I know there are others-men and women-who still face these dilemmas like I do. They worry all the time about getting older….about getting fat…about having gray hair…about having wrinkles...saggy body parts, etc. I worry about getting sick, dying, being in pain, taking care of my family, etc….but those other things are more like annoyances than true things to worry about.

Perfect? No. Don’t think that just because I rant here on this little blog of mine that I think I have all the answers. I could prove that later when I get dressed to go out and complain that my jeans are too tight! LOL! I strive for BALANCE…a way to live with myself easier while making my way in the world. But it makes me pause when I think that after being on Earth for 46 years…dealing all the while with larger issues of Life and Death, that I still get flummoxed by images of women (and men!) who can’t live happily in their own Big, Beautiful bodies unless there is something about them that will still fit into a category acceptable to the society at large. Today, the Girls and I are buddies…the Butt and I are on good terms…and I will try to be nicer to my large, floppy Belly. It is a part of and just as old as the rest of me…and therefore, deserves the respect I demand for myself as a whole. Goddess Bless the Big Bellies everywhere…

Believe it!