Cutting ties...

Being the executrix for my parent's estate has been like an endurance trial with a moving finish line. Never, at any point of this ordeal has this felt like it has gotten easier. The reason is my because my crazy siblings have a knack for creating chaos just when it seems I'm handling things well. At those brief moments when I think I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel....*WHAM*!! Nope, just the headlights of another sibling truck making a delivery from Crazytown...

It's the manipulation that gets me the most. My brother has been downright abusive in his quest to rule the world get his 'inheritance'. Despite frequent reassurances from me that I'm doing what I can to settle all the business of the estate, he insists I do more and get him cash faster. At times he has relayed his wishes with extreme profanity and verbal abuse...other times with selective memory and invitations to Thanksgiving dinner. My older half-sister has just gone along with his assertions...playing the victim and allowing my brother to be the mouthpiece. She speaks to him in soft, gentle tones....and to me she speaks not at all. She manipulates him by whining and wheedling....and let's him try to manipulate me by bullying and intimidation.

Through all of this, I have tried to conduct myself with dignity and be the bigger person. I have never used a bit of profanity in dealing with my siblings over all of this. I own the fact that I have quite a potty mouth. But in my position as executrix, I have not uttered a single word that would make a schoolteacher squirm or a sailor cheer. Not once...and believe me, I am as surprised at this as are those who know and love me...

It sucks...truly. I have been abused so much in this position and I have a great deal of frustration in NOT being able to express my feelings as I'd like and need to. I am going through every stage of grief there is all at once. I've not only lost my parents this year...but the remains of what immediate family I thought I had. But at this stage in my life, I no longer feel a need to be around people that I feel miserable with. That includes my brother and half-sister.

For Goddess sake....do NOT come at me and say anything to the effect of , 'Maybe things can work out in the future...'! When the trust is broken, how could you come back from that? More to the point, why would you? Do you believe that "Blood is thicker than water"? Do you really believe that because you have a blood tie to someone, that you must stick by them, no matter what? Tolerate anything, no matter what? Do the ties of blood relations get a pass for bad behavior on the hopes that someday 'all will be forgiven'?

Putting up with bad behavior does not make you a family. We are meant to be happy and healthy and any relationship that does not support us in that needs to go! Love, loyalty, integrity, respect....shouldn't these be a part of any relationship we choose to be in? If we really don't like someone, as a whole person, do we have to still 'accept' them in our lives because we are related? At some point, when we acknowledge that we have a blood tie to someone, we still need to look at them and consider whether we choose to have a relationship with them. You can't choose your relatives, but you CAN choose your family...or choose who is not part of your family.

Mainly...you can choose to put your own happiness and well-being first. I know that is difficult for some to accept. A person who considers their own needs, even in the face of the inappropriate neediness of another is made to feel bad. I assure you it is not. If I don't look after my own needs first, I am no good to anyone else. If I want others to be happy, I have to practice what I believe. I believe, that if there are relationships that diminish your ability to be happy, and do not value and respect you and your needs, then you should consider whether that relationship should be part of your life. Being related to someone, does not make this reasoning any less valid.

It's not an easy choice to make. My decision to break with my siblings brings up all the grief and loss I feel for my Mom and Dad. However, why should I tolerate behavior from my siblings that I would not tolerate from my husband? or a co-worker? or a perfect stranger? It comes down to self-respect. I have to live in my head, heart and body 24/7....how do I take care of myself? The relationships I have must either add to my happiness or at the very least, not subtract from it. My life keeps moving forward and I want to be happy and healthy enough to enjoy it. I can't afford to have any relationships in my life that steal a bit of my Spirit every time I deal with someone. The older I get, the more I see the cost of these toxic relationships as they create a negative imbalance in my life. It is up to me to restore the balance. That means that if the blood relations are toxic...it's time for a transfusion....