Spiritual Transitions: Are we there yet?

Here is where I find myself; not in 'limbo', not in apathy or avoidance, but in the long, dark tunnel leading from the past to my next destination. Doors have closed, by choice and by chance, and I now seek the next door leading to my new path. I am truly excited about what the future now holds, but first, it requires some  raising of the anchors and letting go of past before moving on to the future. Some periods of transition are shorter than others. For some, once a decision is made or an action taken, the movement and consequences are felt immediately, like a strong gust of wind. In other situations (like my own) the progress is slow and feels uncertain that-even with glimpses of light- we will ever make it to the end of the proverbial tunnel.

I am in a period of transition with what technically can be defined as my 'family'. As I gather my strength to me to complete some of the final acts as executrix, I find the energy within fluctuates. Emotionally I am burdened with sadness I have had to consistently muck through since my parents passing. Mentally, the decisions of what to do are coming clearer and easier. Spiritually, I feel depressed-as the energy has cocooned deep within me and waiting to transition for it's new beginning. My spiritual energy often feels harder to tap into now, even with techniques that have served me well over the years. I have had to go out and use resources I have not had to use in years, in order to 'jump start' the Chi flow within. Therein lies a lesson I have been reflecting on as well. In order to move forward, do I first have to move back?

Since Samhain I have been reflecting on why the transition period for me feels like being stuck in molasses. Feeling overwhelmed by the loss of my Mom, Dad, and 17 year old cat this past year has had me stuck in a a place that no one wants to go. I have experienced genuine empathy from my few close friends, strangers and internet friends. I could not find sympathy from many of my family and long-standing acquaintances. My spiritual beliefs have given me comfort in helping me to honor and connect with my departed loved ones. I have made deeper spiritual and emotional connections with those who also understand my loss. I have lost connections with those who claim blood ties to me. Those darling people, whose own spiritual energy reached out to my own, like fingers reaching out to grasp another hand, have held me and lifted me up till I was able to do so on my own.

Yet still, my spiritual energy feels slow and sluggish. Is this part of grieving, or something else? I have been reflecting on my spiritual practices and have found many which have not been as powerful. Lately, I have had to rely more on crystal talismans to boost me during the course of the day. Meditation would have normally helped me adjust and re-balance myself but it has not been as effective. I have also occasionally worn amulets to protect me from negative energy, because I cannot consistently raise protective energy now. As I said, it doesn't feel as though my energy is 'weak', just 'dormant' and unable to be accessed. And so this transition feels like it is in slow motion. Change is occurring all around me at the speed of light, and I feel like a firefly in a jar. Desperately trying to fly away to join the other friendly lights in the sky, but going nowhere.

So, perhaps the lesson of this moment is that I am just being impatient? I certainly look forward to the return of light at Yule and perhaps I am just getting spiritually 'itchy'. I cannot simply turn and be rid of the pain of loss, nor the fear of being human and alone. I cannot rush to celebration and spiritual awakening without first going directly through a period of mourning and metamorphosis. This period of inner reflection and catharsis has it's purpose. Like a chef bringing ingredients together to create a different dish, so too, am I in a period of transition. At my source, I share many of the essential thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and experiences as other people. However, when this period of reflection from the dark part of the year passes, and I take my ingredients to combine them, I shall come forward with a creation like no other. Messy, complicated, tasty, bold, hearty, sustaining, colorful, not for everyone's taste, but definitely all ME.

The one truly important thing I focus on is that the transition from past to future involves being in the PRESENT. I don't think many new age-y people with their greeting card philosophies, truly understand how living in the day is essential to spiritual growth. To know what I need right NOW is crucial to improving our mental, physical and spiritual lives. Do I need to eat, rest, ground myself, light a candle, pray, dance, meditate, read, write, etc? Don't underestimate the power of asking yourself, 'What do I need right now?' Be sure to wait for the answer, as it may surprise you. When you are in the process of transition, it can be scary to be moving down the seemingly endless corridors. But when you find a door that opens, your next adventure awaits...but only, when you're ready...