Forever Daddy's Girl...

Dad and his cat, Baby-January 2013

Sunday morning, March 17, I got a phone call in the morning from my brother. He said that our relatives in Puerto Rico called him to notify him that our father had a heart attack or possibly a stroke. I was on a plane to Puerto Rico that afternoon and got to the hospital in San Juan by 10pm that night. My father had been visiting family there that he hadn’t seen for about 4 years. He and Mom used to go every year on vacation, but with my mother’s health declining, they stopped going. October 19, 2012 my Mom passed away. In late February 2013 Dad said he wanted to visit his family and so he went to Puerto Rico for about 3 weeks. No health problem but he was having difficulty dealing with the devastating loss of his wife of 47 years.

As soon as I saw him, I knew the end was near. He was hooked up to a respirator and he was already brain dead by the time I got there. It was a severe and sudden stroke on the left side of his brain. I stayed in the ER with my father…despite several relatives telling me I could come to their houses to shower and sleep. I do not speak much Spanish, so aside from a few hospital staff who spoke English, I had no one to talk to. I sat with him, stroking his hair, talking to him, telling him I love him, but there was no response. I would nod off in the chair next to him for a few minutes…would get up to go outside to make phone calls every few hours…then return and listen to the endless beeps and whoosh of the machines that kept him alive.

I was so alone. The relatives that had been there when I arrived didn’t come back or call for two days. I called a couple of cousins, my best friend and my husband-who was my lifeline to sanity-but otherwise just sat alone with my Dad.  I was a stranger in a strange land…trying to come to grips with what needed to be done. I had my father’s Living Will with me and the Power of Attorney documents. I signed the DNR (do not resuscitate) and waited for the doctor to report to the Board of Ethics that my father signed a Living Will which would remove him from the life support machines.

Tuesday, March 19-I was exhausted and needed to get some coffee. I told the nurse I would be back in 5 minutes. When I returned, she said my father’s heart had finally stopped beating and he was gone. As if he didn’t want me to see him leave, he waited until I left the room, then quietly slipped away. He died exactly 5 months to the day when my mother died, also of a major stroke.

There was tons of family drama at that moment and since. It has been difficult, ugly and incredibly painful. But the memory of my Dad is what keeps me going. My father has 4 sons, but I was my father’s only daughter and I have heard from many family members how much he loved me. He spoke of me often, bragged about me, he still kept my High School graduation picture in his wallet to show off whenever someone asked about his children. I was his princess…and he was my king.

Me and Dad when I was about 12 years old...

There are tough days ahead. Losing my Mom only 5 months ago was hard enough and I’d only started really mourning for her. Losing my Dad now just restarts that whole event all over again. I hurt…badly. I have lost my Daddy. My hero, my first love, my champion…there was nothing my Dad would not do for me. My only comfort is that he and my Mom are together again… Dad couldn’t live without her and so, he’s home again with her. I have to keep going…make my Dad proud and keep the promise I made to him that I would take care of everything at home for him. I must trust now that he and Mom are watching over me.

But now, life goes forward. Daddy’s little girl must keep on living…even though my heart is aching. One more moment…I think over and over what I would do for one more moment. But I know my Dad loved me and I know he knew how much I loved him. I miss him…so much. From him I saw what devotion in marriage was all about. I watched him care for my mother every day till she died…I watched him weep for her, and he did not shed tears often…I watched him grieve and pine for her…till he could no longer bear to be away from his love, and he went home to her. It was my Dad that taught me about love…and it is a lesson I keep close to my heart…along with his memory…always. I am now and forever Daddy's Girl...

I miss you Daddy....RIP...