The Lost Art of Childfree Conversation
Been away for a bit....but the struggle is still very real in the life of this Childfree woman. I find that most of my challenges come at work, where I am one of two Childfree-by-Choice individuals. Soon to be solo, as my CF counterpart is moving at the end of the summer. However, that person does contribute to the issue as well...as she's not as devoutly CF as I am. She's especially fond of our coworker's children and has spent much time with them. Me? Despite being there nearly a year, I find I am no closer to the gang than when I started. The reason for the lack of connection, at least for me, has a lot to do with COMMUNICATION.
No matter where we are, when we gather, or for what purpose....the topic almost ALWAYS runs to children. We recently had a staff meeting where a coworker's pregnancy was announced and you'd have thought she announced that she had won the Powerball lottery! There was whooping, hollering...even crying. What I found most ridiculous about the whole thing was that this was her THIRD child. I almost could have understood the jubilant response for a first-time parent...but a third? Really? More so, during a staff meeting where we were supposed to be discussing work issues the agenda was hijacked for about 15-20 minutes that I can never get back. I had to resist rolling my eyes and resigned myself to waiting till the natalism ebbed and we could get back to work.
I try to engage in conversations big and small...work related and personal. I can't get them to have a conversation that doesn't twist, turn or end in favor of a conversation about babies, play dates, homework, and other assorted cutesy things their kids say and/or do.
I don't hate kids. I hate these conversations.
It is the epitome of pathetic that an adult cannot carry on a conversation about their own independent feelings, thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, etc for longer than a few minutes before they defer to the subject of beings with no life experience at all. Just as bad is the fact that they act like everyone around them finds their kids just as interesting and bring them up ad nauseum.
I try to steer the conversation toward more general topics. I ask direct questions about what they think, feel, or what their opinions are. Same result each time....they go back to talking about their kids. Their lack of ability or unwillingness to discuss issues that don't involve their kids is a turn off for me. It doesn't make me trust them or want to become better acquainted with them. Why would you want to be friends or have any kind of relationship with someone who only wants you to listen to them about their life, but who takes no real interest in yours? I think that's where the internet is a good place. I can find lots of people (even parents) who are interested in a variety of topics who are willing to have great conversations and hardly ever change the subject to discuss their kids instead.
However, in the real world and the workplace, I find that I am becoming more and more silent and in a quandary about how to keep cooperative, professional team relationships. If you can't hear me or take an interest in me because I have no value to you as a Childfree by Choice person, then I can't trust you either. If I can't trust you, then how can I work with you as a team? Clearly, I have to be the bigger person or watch my career and professional reputation suffer as a result.
Outside of work, I can seek out personal relationships that don't have as much of a financial impact if I choose to walk away from someone who insists on yammering on about their kid's latest grape juice spill. Tell me what gets you excited, what peaks your interest, what foods you love to make and/or eat, the best books you've read, things you've painted, built, etc I am an individual, I am part of a married couple, I am a coworker, relative, friend.... If we can't talk about ourselves as individuals, and only talk about others, then we lose ourselves. Past, present, future...I want to talk to you, about YOU...and I want you to get to know me, too....
What makes it successful is a willingness to find common ground and a to listen to someone else's story. What I see with many parents is a continuous need to vent...to make sure the world is aware of their frustrations. As a Childfree woman, I have little to offer parents in the way of a consistently, sympathetic, sacrificial ear. I desire reciprocal relationships...give and take...conversations not monologues. I will continue to try to extend myself in conversations and hope I can find more willing partners as I move along...
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No matter where we are, when we gather, or for what purpose....the topic almost ALWAYS runs to children. We recently had a staff meeting where a coworker's pregnancy was announced and you'd have thought she announced that she had won the Powerball lottery! There was whooping, hollering...even crying. What I found most ridiculous about the whole thing was that this was her THIRD child. I almost could have understood the jubilant response for a first-time parent...but a third? Really? More so, during a staff meeting where we were supposed to be discussing work issues the agenda was hijacked for about 15-20 minutes that I can never get back. I had to resist rolling my eyes and resigned myself to waiting till the natalism ebbed and we could get back to work.
I try to engage in conversations big and small...work related and personal. I can't get them to have a conversation that doesn't twist, turn or end in favor of a conversation about babies, play dates, homework, and other assorted cutesy things their kids say and/or do.
I don't hate kids. I hate these conversations.
It is the epitome of pathetic that an adult cannot carry on a conversation about their own independent feelings, thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, etc for longer than a few minutes before they defer to the subject of beings with no life experience at all. Just as bad is the fact that they act like everyone around them finds their kids just as interesting and bring them up ad nauseum.
I try to steer the conversation toward more general topics. I ask direct questions about what they think, feel, or what their opinions are. Same result each time....they go back to talking about their kids. Their lack of ability or unwillingness to discuss issues that don't involve their kids is a turn off for me. It doesn't make me trust them or want to become better acquainted with them. Why would you want to be friends or have any kind of relationship with someone who only wants you to listen to them about their life, but who takes no real interest in yours? I think that's where the internet is a good place. I can find lots of people (even parents) who are interested in a variety of topics who are willing to have great conversations and hardly ever change the subject to discuss their kids instead.
However, in the real world and the workplace, I find that I am becoming more and more silent and in a quandary about how to keep cooperative, professional team relationships. If you can't hear me or take an interest in me because I have no value to you as a Childfree by Choice person, then I can't trust you either. If I can't trust you, then how can I work with you as a team? Clearly, I have to be the bigger person or watch my career and professional reputation suffer as a result.
Outside of work, I can seek out personal relationships that don't have as much of a financial impact if I choose to walk away from someone who insists on yammering on about their kid's latest grape juice spill. Tell me what gets you excited, what peaks your interest, what foods you love to make and/or eat, the best books you've read, things you've painted, built, etc I am an individual, I am part of a married couple, I am a coworker, relative, friend.... If we can't talk about ourselves as individuals, and only talk about others, then we lose ourselves. Past, present, future...I want to talk to you, about YOU...and I want you to get to know me, too....
What makes it successful is a willingness to find common ground and a to listen to someone else's story. What I see with many parents is a continuous need to vent...to make sure the world is aware of their frustrations. As a Childfree woman, I have little to offer parents in the way of a consistently, sympathetic, sacrificial ear. I desire reciprocal relationships...give and take...conversations not monologues. I will continue to try to extend myself in conversations and hope I can find more willing partners as I move along...
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