A Mid-Stride Moxie Retrospective (aka-Good Riddance, 2013!)

We're almost at the Finish Line for 2013, aren't we? Looking back over the year that was holds little in the way of fond memories. It has been a difficult year, and I need to acknowledge what I went through from its beginning, to see where the end of this year has brought me. I am still here...with more support and friendship than I could ever have imagined. A year that has shown me more about what I am capable of than any other time in my life. Here, I take a last look at 2013...reflect on the events that have come to shape my here, my now and guide my footsteps onward...

January-Still reeling from the loss of my Mom on October 19, 2012. Channeled all my pain and love into looking after Dad, who lost his wife of 48 years. We're all numb but my focus is him...my Dad...and I'm going to take care of him as much as he'll let me. I live almost 2 hours from him, yet the sibs within 15 minutes of him have 'stepped back'. We have Sunday breakfasts and I go up during the week and call him every other day. His companion is Baby, his cat, who gives him an outlet for the love and affection he can no longer bestow on Mom. His doctor told me to watch him and not leave him alone too long. I understand why and I worry every day...

February-Mom's birthday passes and we all survive it. Dad says he wants to visit his family in Puerto Rico. He hasn't seen them in about 4 years since Mom started getting sick and they couldn't travel. It's good that he wants to go. It's good that he wants to see his family. His leaving, though, feels rushed...like he's running away...maybe he is...

March- I get a call in the middle of the night-My brother tells me Dad has had a stroke in Puerto Rico. No one asks what to do, they just look to me to do it. I get on a plane to Puerto Rico and see relatives I haven't been around since I was 14. I sit in the Emergency Room for three days, alone with Dad, when he finally passes. He died on March 19, 2013...5 months to the day when Mom died...the day I was supposed to pick him up at the airport when he came back home to Jersey. I am alone with some family who I can barely communicate with. Using up my savings to make arrangements to bring my Dad home to be buried with Mom. My brother and half-sister are clueless. I just want to get home. Make the arrangements for the funeral. The divide between my sibs and me is more evident than ever. They don't take responsibility for anything, don't offer to help, and by the day of the funeral-neither of them is speaking to me.

April and May- Taking things day by day. Trying to focus on renewing the blog as a way of renewing my spiritual energy. It works. I win a small blog award-validation that this is the right path to follow. And in April, we bring home Baby-my Dad's cat. My brother said he was going to take her, but instead chose to leave her at Dad's house for a while and just feed her there. She was alone for almost 2 months since Dad died and Sean and I couldn't leave her alone anymore. We brought her home, and she adjusted well to being a part of our family. Shortly after Baby joined us, we had another loss. My 17 year old cat, Zella, died only a week or two after Baby came home. I think she was ready to go...and made room for Baby, who needed our attention now. Another loss...it hit us so hard. Sean and I just hung onto each other...giving love and support to each other to ease the ache of Zella's passing in the wake of the loss from Mom and Dad...

June-Asked by Kallan Kennedy to contribute to her blog- The Secret Life of the American Witch. Made my first contribution as a chef to the Sunday Stew. I was so scared and honored, too. Kallan is someone I admire so much and it blew me away that she'd ask me to write something for her blog. What if she hated it? What if people find out I'm just and average Witch? Talk about a learning experience...! Being able to write for the Sunday Stew was a gift that I really needed. It's a breath of air which brings me back to focus on my spirituality. Connecting with God and Goddess....with my Witchy self...with the energy and magick in the world around me...ground and center me and get me through the day from start to finish and every day after that....

July and August-Took an unconscious step back from my duties as Executrix of my parent's Estate. Feuding with the sibs reached an all-time high. Never knew it could ever have gotten this ugly. I am officially a pariah in my family now. Old resentments they had against me, held in check while my parents were alive, are now taking on new life. To save my sanity, I get into therapy to deal with the pain of estrangement from the sibs and the grief of losing my parents.  Sean and I decide to focus on our normal summer relaxation...going to the shore. All it takes for me to relax is my toes in the sand, the sun overhead, and listening to the sound of the ebb and flow of the ocean. I focus on US...he is my rock and my shelter. No matter how ugly the feud gets, there is always love in my home. 

September and October-The year winds down. It gets colder and the leaves fall from the trees. My business with my parent's Estate is winding down. The feuding with the sibs is a silent but impenetrable wall. There is no truce, no cease fire...I no longer engage the enemy. I've learned how to channel the pain and accepted this breakdown. I choose my family and my friends ARE my family. I need to focus on MY life now. Life goes on...I need to think how I want to live my life going forward. It's what Mom and Dad would want...I know, because they've told me so many times before. It's time to stop throwing away energy and emotion on those who bring nothing positive to my life. Re-evaluate what benefits me and what doesn't....and choose only to harvest that which will sustain me...

November and December- With Mom and Dad gone, there would be no Thanksgiving dinners like we used to have. Sean and I decided to go away and take a mini-vacation. We traveled to Norfolk, VA and spent Thanksgiving there. We enjoyed that trip so much, we decided that would be our new tradition. 
I also got my memorial tattoo for Mom and Dad. It means so much to have it done...and know that I can look at it and remember they are a part of me, always. It is my expression of my love for them...a way to move beyond the pain of loss and to remember in the vibrant colors that life goes on...
And lastly for 2013, we just closed the deal and sold my parent's house. I had a goal to have that done by the end of the year. Despite the agony of painful, emotional torture, courtesy of the sibs...I was able to keep my promise to my parents and settle the business of their estate. We are almost at the finish line here and Sean and I are now looking toward the future...OUR future. We are discussing how we want to move forward...but that is for another blog.

And what have I learned in 2013? What take-away will I have to guide me through 2014?
Pain is inevitable-Suffering is optional. Losing both parents and a beloved pet of 17 years within 6 months would be enough to make anyone turn hedgehog and ball up for a very long time. I could have, and no one in the world blame me if I wallowed in it to the exclusion of everyone and everything else. But that's not me. I still have pain....but I have joy, too. I get that, but carrying on...one foot in front of the other...

To thine own self be true. No matter what has been done or said to me, I have to live in my own skin. Just because someone else is crazy and wrong doesn't mean acting the same way makes me right. I know that and I need to take care of me. I have had a dignity during this past year that has surprised me. I am a Jersey girl with the attitude and the potty mouth made famous by many from this state. But in lowering myself to match the treatment I was receiving would only have justified what was happening. I know what was said was wrong, and what was done was more wrong. But in not responding the same way, MY way, I was right and I can live with that.

You CAN choose your family. I have had support from some of the most amazing people around. My husband is not just my loving partner but I have leaned on his consistent strength and companionship. I have reconnected with two darling cousins. Three of my oldest friends are my heart and soul even though we don't often get to spend time together. And some of the most amazing conversations and supportive talks I've had have been with people I've never met in person. All of you ARE my family. We have love, affection, respect, intelligence, support, concern, compassion, humor and more. You are a gift I will never take for granted. Thank you for getting me through 2013.  I love you all more than words can say. 

Now let's get the hell outta here...I'm over this shit! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here....Bring it on, 2014!!!