Friends with Adult Children and Fending for Ourselves

I have been watching some friends struggle over the years with issues that involve their adult children. I have to say that I am not sure what to say to them most of the time because my normal responses would sound cold and unfeeling to the friends I love dearly. I firmly believe that you need to be accountable for your choices and accept consequences-good, bad or indifferent. However, as someone who has made the decision to be Childfree, I do acknowledge some of the intensely difficult choices that come with raising children.

I am not one who prefers the company of children, but I am not the ‘hater of the breeders and their spawn’. Given the choice, I’d rather be alone than spend time with kids or to most adults who want to talk about their kids. However, I live in the real world and despite listening to the vitriolic ranting of the Anti-natalist or Voluntary Human Extinction communities, I still respect those who choose or have chosen to BE responsible and loving parents. After all, my own parents made the decision which could have drastically changed their lives. When my then divorced mother became pregnant back in 1965, there were still strong social and economic consequences for a woman who became pregnant outside of marriage. She could have tried to have an abortion and kept that secret forever. Instead, she and my father got married in April 1965 and I was born 3 months later. I am proof that some people make good choices in deciding to be parents.

I don’t want to be a parent. I never wanted to be a parent. I don’t hate kids, but I’d rather not spend much time around them. I have little tolerance for badly behaving children and less for their tuned-out parents who refuse to commit to the commitment they made when they chose to become a parent. I find that coming to terms with my feelings about young children is easier than coming to terms about adult children and the relationships with their parents.

I have had MANY friends over the years whose adult children have caused immense grief and stress with issues that would never be acceptable from a stranger or aquaintance. Some adult children live at home; some have returned home; some have families and homes of their own. I have watched parents mortgaging their homes or empty their savings accounts in order to bail their children out of jail; pay for college; pay for hospital stays, medicine or treatment when insurance would not cover the cost; buy new cars; give spending money or even pay their child’s rent. These friends, in their chosen role of ‘parent’, will not turn away from their adult children in times of trouble, even if it is self-imposed. The trouble can be drugs, criminal activity, mental health, or relationship issues which occur over and over again. Despite sleepless nights, rejection, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and sometimes physical abuse from their adult children, some parents stick with them, no matter what.

I don’t know if I believe that is admirable or crazy. My own family is loaded with adult children who had all sorts of destructive behaviors and I’ve seen how it tears at the soul of a parent and other family members. I’ve known parents who are both checkbook and punching bag and it makes my childfree spirit shudder at the thought! At some point, my inclination is that self-preservation and self-worth must be the rule. I have had to walk away from the only blood relatives I have in order to take care of myself and hold them accountable for the consequences of their behaviors. Should or would a parent make the same choice with their adult children? Many do choose to step back from their adult children and others will never make that call, no matter what the cost. But as I see it, are they actually helping, or simply enabling more troublesome behavior? More importantly, are they hurting themselves in the process of trying to help their child...?

So where does that leave me…the staunchly childfree friend of a parent whose adult child is causing my friend pain? My inclination is to advise them to step back and let their adult children face the consequences of their behaviors. What if this means their child might hurt or kill themselves? Being Childfree by Choice does not mean that I am lacking in compassion. My background also makes me all too familiar with the agony of loving those who have severe mental health issues. In my personal and professional experience, I’ve learned to detach to a certain degree. ‘You can’t save them all’ a professor once told me…’people die every day-young and old. You do what you can, but you can’t save them all’. I see that, and I believe it, but this wisdom does nothing to ease the pain that my friends are feeling. It often gets attributed to me choosing to be childfree….’if you were a parent, you’d understand’. My friends will not turn from their adult children, no matter how much pain it causes them. Again, is it admirable or crazy? Sometimes one, sometimes the other, but probably a little of both…

As a childfree woman, like them, I do know LOVE... That’s all I can do for my friends, parents or non-parents, in times of crisis and heartache. I know that I love them. I do not always love their choices…I do not always love the choices of their adult children who often hurt them more despite a lifetime of being loved. Our choices define how we want to live. There are always choices being made. My choice is to let my friends know I love them but be true to myself and my decision to be Childfree. My choice is to show the compassion I feel for their pain, but to try not to criticize as I become frustrated. Being a friend means at times stepping in to offer a shoulder to lean on and sometimes that means stepping back and away. My choice is to BE a friend to my friend…not to be a parent to them or their child. What support I can give in love and compassion I will. Anything else I must leave to them and the choices they must make for themselves. In the end, our choices mean we must all just end up fending for ourselves....