Villains and Victims

I just read an article from the Huffington Post by a woman who claims she is a "survivor of infertility" and learning to accept a life without children. She also said she is NOT choosing adoption because it is not 'right for her family'.  You can read it yourself (it took me three times to get through it without growling). Here's the link- Active Acceptance

I will say this pisses me off. I will be judged from now through my Golden Years for my decision not to have children. I never wanted children. I don't hate them...as a matter of fact I spent most of my adult life in social service careers that were centered around services for children. I've spent a better part of my working career caring for children that other women had without thought to the real consequences and costs of raising those kids....
But I digress...

I don't think that woman, or others like her, have the right to claim to be VICTIMS, SURVIVORS, or any other type of MARTYRDOM over their status as 'infertile'. This is especially true for the multitudes of woman in our pronatalist society who say they want to be a mom, will spend years and years and thousands upon thousands of dollars on infertility treatments and YET.....
They...will....NOT....consider ADOPTION (or fostering, either)

And it is selfish of me to suggest that they endure going through the process of spending money and time and training to be a good foster/adoptive parent. It's a hard, lengthy process for someone who wants a baby....now....and it's so damned expensive! (Like raising a kid is cheap?)

How selfish am I from the beginning of my adolescent life, knowing that I really didn't want to be a mom, took precautions NOT to get pregnant. Later in life when I faced more pressure, I stuck to my decision, no matter how shabbily I was treated by family and strangers over my choice. I even worked for a government agency that facilitated foster parenting and adoptions and STILL had to beat down those who shamed and pressured me to adopt and foster a child. I faced nearly daily insanity from a pronatalist world that simply could not handle a woman who decided she did not want to have children.

I never, ever denied that there are children who need those kinds of parents and homes, and there are many wonderful people out there who open their homes, lives and hearts to these kids every day. However,*I* was and am NOT the one to be their parent.....ever.

Yet this nation of victims has created a new breed, if you will. Women who can claim to be suffering from the ability not to be a mom, when there are hundreds of thousands of children all around the world who need loving caregivers to raise them. Just as their are many Childfree individuals who love their nieces, nephews, cousins and children of their friends....physically having a child does not need to be the only way you can love one. Why don't they foster children? Mentor children? Why won't they choose adoption or being a foster parent as a true option to their inability to physically create a baby? You tell me.

My thought: You are NOT a victim. You don't get to claim to be a 'survivor'.  Infertility is not the same medical condition as cancer. It's more like diabetes. It's not pleasant, often inconvenient and painful, but I can live a full and rewarding life with diabetes and you can too as an infertile woman. You want a BABY...but it has to be YOUR baby. You say you looked into adoption but it's so hard and expensive! SO IS HAVING/RAISING a child!! Just because you can get pregnant for free doesn't mean the rest doesn't come with a large cost! But go ahead...hold their hand, tell them it's okay if they martyr themselves, but don't ask them why they want to 'have a baby' or 'have a family' that doesn't include a child with no genetic tie to them.

As a woman who is Childfree by Choice, I highly resent the sympathetic cooing for these women who claim victim status because they can't physically reproduce. They want a baby....they don't have or really want a clue about what it means to be a parent. I knew I didn't want to be parent. As I got older I had to do more research to support my choice and throw them at people like breadcrumbs to the pigeons. Still, they keep coming after me and my choice. One woman, choosing not to have children is vilified because she can tear down the fabric of a pronatalist society without having a baby? Another woman who can't physically have children but won't raise someone else's child is a more sympathetic character?  Enough already....

You are no Victim........I am no Villain.