Coming to terms with Diabetes in my Mid-Stride years

I was diagnosed with Diabetes several years ago. As it runs in my family, it didn't really surprise me. My Dad, youngest of 7 kids, was diagnosed borderline in his 60's and then ended up taking Metformin to control it during the last few years of his life. My Mom, also the youngest of 7 kids, was diagnosed with Adult onset diabetes at 38 and was on insulin within the first year of her diagnosis. My maternal grandmother was also a diabetic and was a double leg amputee due to her uncontrolled diabetes.

Both my husband and I are Diabetics. He has been on insulin for about a year now, and I have been struggling with pills. We're not perfect, but we've been making changes in our diet and activity levels and have been doing better. In the past few months, despite making changes and being more active, my daily blood sugar levels have been increasing. Today at the appointment with our Endocrinologist, I was told that it was time-I needed to start taking insulin.

I expected it, but it didn't lessen the anxiety I had over it. There had been a wall of fear growing inside me that I had been building up since my parents died that came crumbling down. Sitting in the doctor's office with my husband, the pragmatic side of me listened to her instructions and acknowledged them. Suddenly, I started to cry. I choked out-"I don't want to end up like my Mom.". Even with my husband at my side, it still took a few minutes for me to compose myself. It was still something that felt utterly out of my control. That feeling is something I don't like at all.

I have hereditary Diabetes....so, despite my efforts there was always a higher chance that I would end up on insulin. You can do all the right things, and still end up with this disease. I have not been doing everything right and now, in my mid-life, I am paying the price for a life well lived. Do I regret it? Actually,no... The fact that my darling hubby and I need to make some changes to take better care of ourselves now does not mean that I will start hating myself for the choices I've made in the past. All of that is part of what has made me who I am. I've made peace with my past...and taking insulin now for my Diabetes is part of my present.

I think what freaked me out so much is remembering how my Mom struggled with her Diabetes. When she was first diagnosed back in the early 1970s, she broke down and cried because having Diabetes meant that for the first time, she could not have the chocolate Valentine candies that my father bought for her every year. Bless my Dad, he loved her so much that he found a candy maker that sold sugar free chocolates (not easy to find back then). He paid a small fortune to give his sweetheart her chocolate heart. It was a third of the size and probably about three times the price of the large heart he always used to give her. I remember her being so happy....about the chocolate, but more so for the loving gesture my Dad made. THAT is what kept her going...he loved and supported her then and did so till the day she left us in 2012.

As I sat in the doctor's office today, sniffling and trying not to hiccup, I remembered that. My Mom's diabetes was brutal with her. She was hospitalized many times with elevated blood sugars and nearly lost her toes from it. She was no model patient, nor am I, but I have much more discipline than my Mom did. I'm willing to make changes that she wasn't and it will make the difference in how my Diabetes treatment will go. But at that moment, it was feeling my husband's arms around me and hearing him tell me it was going to be alright because WE could do this that helped me catch my breath. I'm not alone...I have my support in him and he in me. We CAN learn to live a healthier life with Diabetes and we WILL...

This 'getting older' thing is certainly a challenge. I won't be lectured to and Thank Goddess that my doctor figured that out on her own!But like anything else, if I'm going to have the kind of quality life that I want, it means pushing myself out of my comfort zone and facing down a few fears. I also made the first dental appointment in years due to some seriously crippling panic attacks. It has to be done and I'm doing it. Let it not be said that I don't Walk My Talk....or at least Crawl My Code. There are 49 years of bad, moderately bad, and could-be-better habits that need some reevaluation and renovating. Time to come to terms with some of these things....look them over and figure what I really am determined to keep and what I can willingly toss in the dustbin.

Fortunately, I have a decent sense of humor to get me past the rough stuff. I will NOT live on salad or be on a vegetarian, vegan, or even completely gluten, fat,or sugar-free diet. I will make peace and say farewell to some things I know I really don't need to eat anymore, and moderate the rest. I will increase the better stuff and minimize the less than helpful. I will drink more water (though I drink tons already) and I will moderate my sugar intake. I will NOT become a scholar of substitutes, food additives and other politically charged items....I will try to eat when hungry and helpful and eat what tastes GOOD. I will increase my activity level, as I have been doing, and make sure it feels like fun and NOT like a full-time job.

Too many people obsess about this and it feels like work. No matter what, there needs to be 'quality' in my life. I am not the kind to sit and obsess over every calorie at the expense of meal that is healthy but tastes like shit. I have to work within my parameters (like not liking vegetables). Above all, I will NOT have all pleasure removed to live a life of 'Healthy Deprivation'. To that I say, 'Fuck You!!' You can go chew on bark if it makes you feel healthy and happy. I will sit here with my hubby...enjoying a cup of coffee and a sharing a box of sugar-free caramels. Life is Good....